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Ladies and Gentlemen, I Bring You
Plagues
But before we get to the most famous
plagues that might have been, let’s have a quick look at Chapters 5,6 and 7.
In
Chapter 5, Pharaoh, who is beginning to exhibit some signs of impatience
with Moses and his “Let my people go” campaign, decides to make the Israelites’
lives even more difficult. It seems that the primary task the taskmasters have
been having them do is making bricks, which for most people is probably not the
most fulfilling way to spend one’s time. Unless, of course, you’re making
bricks to build your own home, or a dry goods store that will be in the family
for generations, or a tricked out she-shed.
Sorry,
I said I was going to be quick about this.
The
brick building enterprise previously been set up so regular deliveries of
straw, one of the essential ingredients for a quality, Egyptian brick, were made
to the Israelites, who then added water and soil and whatever other decorative
elements like gravel, stones, or horse dung dictated by the current orders. (I
got the gravel, stone, and horse dung info from my five minutes of research.) But
now that Moses has gotten Pharaoh’s dander up, the Egyptian Deity/Chief
Executive decides the Israelites can forage for the straw themselves and the
expected quota of bricks will remain the same. Sounds like the sort of boss I
think most of us have encountered at some time in our lives. And we might have
done exactly what Moses does at the end of Chapter 5 when he turns to God and
asks just when the promised delivery of his people might commence, because
things are getting worse, not better.
God
answers in Chapter 6 in what I think by now we can safely say is his
usual way of responding to one of his favorite humans who just doesn’t
understand that mysterious wonders move at a pace truly mysterious indeed: He
reminds Moses that he is the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and that he made
a promise—sorry, covenant—with those distinguished gentlemen, and if he said he
is going to do something, he does it. On his own schedule. So just tell Aaron
to keep telling Pharaoh to let my people go, and leave the rest to me.
Most
of the rest of Chapter 6 is a genealogy lesson about the Moses and Aaron clan.
The part that caught my eye is in verse 20…
Amram married Jochebed his
father’s sister, and she bore him Aaron and Moses, and the length of Amram’s
life was one hundred thirty-seven years.
The
very end of Chapter 6 segues into Chapter 7 with a repeat of the initial
conversation between God and Moses when Moses tried to wriggle out of the “Let
My People Go” job by claiming to be a poor public speaker and God accommodating
him by enlisting Aaron. Once again, we have God telling Moses that part of his
ingenious plan to free the Israelites is that he will harden Pharaoh’s heart so
God has a good excuse to “multiply my signs and wonders in the land of Egypt”
by which he means…
Plagues!
Although at this point God is using the term “great acts of judgment.”
In
verse 7 we’re told Moses was 80 years old and brother Aaron was 83 while all
this was happening. Just in case we were wondering.
Verses
8-13 tell us how Aaron performs his staff to snake bit for the Pharaoh and his
entourage only to have the court magicians produce staff snakes themselves. The
fact that Aaron’s snake eats the other ones doesn’t convince Pharaoh to let
anyone go. But then how could it when God has hardened his heart so he, God, has
an excuse to trot out some really impressive plagues?
Plague #1: Water to Blood.
Moses
tells Pharaoh that if he doesn’t let the people go he will turn the water in
the Nile to blood. And not just the river water, but all the water in Egypt,
including any already in buckets or jars or barrels, every single ounce is
turning to nasty blood. Aaron raises his magic staff, and sure enough, all the
water turns to blood and everything in the water dies and things get really
rank. But the magicians do the same thing, so Pharaoh is unimpressed.
Side note: This is where I’m left
wondering just how the magicians were able to turn water to blood when it had
already been turned to blood by Aaron and his Miraculous Rod**? Did they turn
it back to water and then to blood? Did they bring all the fish back to life
and then kill them again just to show they could do it? If so, what was the
point of that?
Seven
days pass.
The
people are not let go.
Chapter 8
Plague #2: Frogs (Not the Aristophanes
play, real frogs)
A
whole slew of frogs come hopping up out of the river, which apparently has
shifted back to the water standard and recovered its life supporting properties
after only a week. The frogs pester the Pharaoh, his people, and his officials.
Not to be outdone, Pharaoh’s magicians also produce a battalion or three of
frogs just because. Pharaoh tells Moses that he’s ready to negotiate but only if
Moses arranges for all the bothersome frogs to stop hopping about. God makes
the frogs die, and they all get swept into piles, which only makes the place
smell even worse than when the river was blood. Pharaoh’s heart calcifies and
he doesn’t come to the bargaining table.
Plague #3: Gnats
Aaron
strikes the dust with his staff and boom! Gnat City. “All the dust of the earth
turned to gnats.” This time the magicians come up empty and they advise Pharaoh
he’s up against the “finger of God”. He doesn’t care, his heart is too hard.
Plague #4: Flies
This
is the first time we’re told that the land of Goshen is being declared off
limits to the Plague of the Day. So when the flies swarm all over the place,
they concentrate all of their pesky behavior on the native Egyptians. Pharaoh
tries to act like he’s a reasonable guy open to compromise and maybe Moses will
agree his people can just perform their sacrifices locally so they don’t lose
any valuable brick making to travel time, but that’s a hard no from Moses. So
Pharaoh says, okay, just don’t go too far, all I ask is you get rid of the damn
flies. The flies are dismissed, but it doesn’t matter, Pharaoh’s heart has
moved another notch up on the Mohs scale of hardness. Somewhere around Flourite
by now.
Chapter 9
Plague #5: Livestock Diseased
All
the Egyptians’ cows and donkeys and horses and camels and Flemish Giant rabbits
get sick and die. The Israelite livestock, being previously vaccinated, survive.
Pharaoh is still being stubborn.
Plague #6: Boils
Moses
tosses a bunch of kiln soot into the air and all the people and (remaining)
animals in Egypt break out in painful boils, even the magicians. Pharaoh
doesn’t care.
Plague #7: Thunder and Hail
In
perhaps the most terrifying of the plagues so far, a traveling opera company
visits Egypt and begins to perform Wagner’s Ring Cycle non-stop.
Just
kidding.
Moses
warns Pharaoh to secure all the livestock “and everything you have in the open
field” because the heaviest hail imaginable is about to come tumbling out of
the sky, although by now I’m wondering what in the way of agricultural
resources there are left to protect. A few of the Egyptians take heed and do
their best to shelter themselves, their animals, and their plants, but the most
everyone else remains unconvinced that the blood, frogs, gnats, flies, dead
cows, and boils had been anything other than easily explained away natural
phenomenon, all part of Horus’s Great Plan, and they, their critters (once
again, what critters?) and their crops end up getting pounded into the ground
by the hail.
Pharaoh
makes as if he’s finally coming to the realization he might be on the losing
side, but it’s just a show to make the hail stop. Soon as it does, he tells
Moses to go pound sand.
Chapter 10
Plague #8 Locusts (One of the more
famous plagues)
God
tells Moses to tell the Israelites that God is making the Egyptians’ lives
pretty miserable and if they weren’t convinced about his street cred before
they ought to be coming around now.
Moses
warns Pharaoh that locusts are on the way and anything that somehow escaped
being pounded to dust by the hail is on the menu. Some of Pharaoh’s executive
team suggest now may be a good time to show a bit of flexibility, but he’ll
only go as far as letting the Israelite men go into the wilderness for their
sacrifices, none of the women and children can go. And so, an east wind brings locusts.
Again,
Pharaoh makes like he’s about to cry “Uncle” and again he…well, you know.
Plague #9: Darkness
For
three days it is pitch black in Eqypt, but not in Goshen. Pharaoh tells Moses
all the people can go, but they have to leave the livestock, which I guess were
excluded from the Diseased Livestock Plague. Moses says no deal. Pharaoh warns
Moses not to show his face around the palace anymore. Moses says “Fine with
me!”
Chapter 11
Plague #10: But first, a Warning
God
tells Moses that the next one is going to be a real doozy, the one that finally
does the trick. Not only will Pharaoh let the people go, but he will hand them
their collective hats, give them an encouraging boot in the backside, and slam
the door behind them. But before that happens, the Israelites should go door to
door in the Egyptian neighborhoods, ask to be given all the objects of silver
and gold, and expect it to be handed over no questions asked.
Disregarding
Pharaoh’s threat of grievous bodily harm, Moses shows up at the palace once
more and delivers notice of the worst plague of them all. All firstborn in
Egypt, from high to low, even including the livestock (there they are again,
where did these cows and horses and Belgian Giant rabbits spring up from?) are doomed,
Israelites excepted of course. Pharaoh’s heart has reached Moh’s ten by now, so
he isn’t thinking straight at all, and he tells Moses to skedaddle.
Which brings us to Chapter 12
and The First Passover aka Plague #10
God
gives Moses instructions on how the Israelites are to mark their doorposts and
lintels so when he descends upon Egypt to kill all the firstborn he will know
which houses to skip. There’s more about unleavened bread and how to cook a
lamb and instructions not to leave leftovers.
God
also tells Moses that the day when he kills all the Egyptian firstborn will be
a day of remembrance that shall be celebrated “throughout your generations…as a
perpetual ordinance.” Instructions are given regarding unleavened bread and a
day of rest.
Good
as his word, at midnight “the Lord struck down all the firstborn in the land of
Egypt” and finally, finally, Pharaoh summons Moses and says,
“Rise up, go away from my
people, both you and the Israelities
! Go, worship the Lord, as you said. Take your flocks and your herds, as you
said, and be gone. And bring a blessing on me too!”
Not
sure where he gets off asking for a blessing, but I suppose since God was
responsible for the hard heart that facilitated all this death and destruction,
he felt he was due some compensation.
The
Israelites bundle up their unleavened dough, the silver and gold (and fine fabrics,
by the way) they had swindled the Egyptian people out of, and they take to the
road. It must have been a sight, because the Bible tells us there were “about
six hundred thousand men on foot, besides children.” How many women? It doesn’t
say.
God
gives out more instructions regarding how the Passover celebration is to be
administered, mostly to make sure there are no foreskins present at the
festivities. And the whole episode is wrapped up in verse 51…
That very day the Lord
brought the Israelites out of the land of Egypt, company by company.
We will pick things up with Chapter 13
in our next installment. Get ready for more unleavened bread, pillars of cloud
and fire, and one of Hollywood’s great special effects, the Parting of the Red
Sea.
*I thought that a nice picture of some
calla lilies would perhaps help take the sting out of all these plagues.
**”Aaron’s Miraculous Rod” is a
subtitle contained within Chapter 7. Honest.
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