Exodus Pt 3

 

 

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Ladies and Gentlemen, I Bring You Plagues

 

But before we get to the most famous plagues that might have been, let’s have a quick look at Chapters 5,6 and 7.

        In Chapter 5, Pharaoh, who is beginning to exhibit some signs of impatience with Moses and his “Let my people go” campaign, decides to make the Israelites’ lives even more difficult. It seems that the primary task the taskmasters have been having them do is making bricks, which for most people is probably not the most fulfilling way to spend one’s time. Unless, of course, you’re making bricks to build your own home, or a dry goods store that will be in the family for generations, or a tricked out she-shed.

        Sorry, I said I was going to be quick about this.

        The brick building enterprise previously been set up so regular deliveries of straw, one of the essential ingredients for a quality, Egyptian brick, were made to the Israelites, who then added water and soil and whatever other decorative elements like gravel, stones, or horse dung dictated by the current orders. (I got the gravel, stone, and horse dung info from my five minutes of research.) But now that Moses has gotten Pharaoh’s dander up, the Egyptian Deity/Chief Executive decides the Israelites can forage for the straw themselves and the expected quota of bricks will remain the same. Sounds like the sort of boss I think most of us have encountered at some time in our lives. And we might have done exactly what Moses does at the end of Chapter 5 when he turns to God and asks just when the promised delivery of his people might commence, because things are getting worse, not better.

        God answers in Chapter 6 in what I think by now we can safely say is his usual way of responding to one of his favorite humans who just doesn’t understand that mysterious wonders move at a pace truly mysterious indeed: He reminds Moses that he is the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and that he made a promise—sorry, covenant—with those distinguished gentlemen, and if he said he is going to do something, he does it. On his own schedule. So just tell Aaron to keep telling Pharaoh to let my people go, and leave the rest to me.

        Most of the rest of Chapter 6 is a genealogy lesson about the Moses and Aaron clan. The part that caught my eye is in verse 20…

Amram married Jochebed his father’s sister, and she bore him Aaron and Moses, and the length of Amram’s life was one hundred thirty-seven years.

        The very end of Chapter 6 segues into Chapter 7 with a repeat of the initial conversation between God and Moses when Moses tried to wriggle out of the “Let My People Go” job by claiming to be a poor public speaker and God accommodating him by enlisting Aaron. Once again, we have God telling Moses that part of his ingenious plan to free the Israelites is that he will harden Pharaoh’s heart so God has a good excuse to “multiply my signs and wonders in the land of Egypt” by which he means…

        Plagues! Although at this point God is using the term “great acts of judgment.”

        In verse 7 we’re told Moses was 80 years old and brother Aaron was 83 while all this was happening. Just in case we were wondering.

        Verses 8-13 tell us how Aaron performs his staff to snake bit for the Pharaoh and his entourage only to have the court magicians produce staff snakes themselves. The fact that Aaron’s snake eats the other ones doesn’t convince Pharaoh to let anyone go. But then how could it when God has hardened his heart so he, God, has an excuse to trot out some really impressive plagues?

Plague #1:  Water to Blood.

        Moses tells Pharaoh that if he doesn’t let the people go he will turn the water in the Nile to blood. And not just the river water, but all the water in Egypt, including any already in buckets or jars or barrels, every single ounce is turning to nasty blood. Aaron raises his magic staff, and sure enough, all the water turns to blood and everything in the water dies and things get really rank. But the magicians do the same thing, so Pharaoh is unimpressed.

        Side note: This is where I’m left wondering just how the magicians were able to turn water to blood when it had already been turned to blood by Aaron and his Miraculous Rod**? Did they turn it back to water and then to blood? Did they bring all the fish back to life and then kill them again just to show they could do it? If so, what was the point of that?

        Seven days pass.

        The people are not let go.

Chapter 8

Plague #2: Frogs (Not the Aristophanes play, real frogs)

        A whole slew of frogs come hopping up out of the river, which apparently has shifted back to the water standard and recovered its life supporting properties after only a week. The frogs pester the Pharaoh, his people, and his officials. Not to be outdone, Pharaoh’s magicians also produce a battalion or three of frogs just because. Pharaoh tells Moses that he’s ready to negotiate but only if Moses arranges for all the bothersome frogs to stop hopping about. God makes the frogs die, and they all get swept into piles, which only makes the place smell even worse than when the river was blood. Pharaoh’s heart calcifies and he doesn’t come to the bargaining table.

Plague #3: Gnats

        Aaron strikes the dust with his staff and boom! Gnat City. “All the dust of the earth turned to gnats.” This time the magicians come up empty and they advise Pharaoh he’s up against the “finger of God”. He doesn’t care, his heart is too hard.

Plague #4:  Flies

        This is the first time we’re told that the land of Goshen is being declared off limits to the Plague of the Day. So when the flies swarm all over the place, they concentrate all of their pesky behavior on the native Egyptians. Pharaoh tries to act like he’s a reasonable guy open to compromise and maybe Moses will agree his people can just perform their sacrifices locally so they don’t lose any valuable brick making to travel time, but that’s a hard no from Moses. So Pharaoh says, okay, just don’t go too far, all I ask is you get rid of the damn flies. The flies are dismissed, but it doesn’t matter, Pharaoh’s heart has moved another notch up on the Mohs scale of hardness. Somewhere around Flourite by now.

Chapter 9

Plague #5: Livestock Diseased

        All the Egyptians’ cows and donkeys and horses and camels and Flemish Giant rabbits get sick and die. The Israelite livestock, being previously vaccinated, survive. Pharaoh is still being stubborn.

Plague #6: Boils

        Moses tosses a bunch of kiln soot into the air and all the people and (remaining) animals in Egypt break out in painful boils, even the magicians. Pharaoh doesn’t care.

Plague #7: Thunder and Hail

        In perhaps the most terrifying of the plagues so far, a traveling opera company visits Egypt and begins to perform Wagner’s Ring Cycle non-stop.

        Just kidding.

        Moses warns Pharaoh to secure all the livestock “and everything you have in the open field” because the heaviest hail imaginable is about to come tumbling out of the sky, although by now I’m wondering what in the way of agricultural resources there are left to protect. A few of the Egyptians take heed and do their best to shelter themselves, their animals, and their plants, but the most everyone else remains unconvinced that the blood, frogs, gnats, flies, dead cows, and boils had been anything other than easily explained away natural phenomenon, all part of Horus’s Great Plan, and they, their critters (once again, what critters?) and their crops end up getting pounded into the ground by the hail.

        Pharaoh makes as if he’s finally coming to the realization he might be on the losing side, but it’s just a show to make the hail stop. Soon as it does, he tells Moses to go pound sand.

Chapter 10

Plague #8 Locusts (One of the more famous plagues)

        God tells Moses to tell the Israelites that God is making the Egyptians’ lives pretty miserable and if they weren’t convinced about his street cred before they ought to be coming around now.

        Moses warns Pharaoh that locusts are on the way and anything that somehow escaped being pounded to dust by the hail is on the menu. Some of Pharaoh’s executive team suggest now may be a good time to show a bit of flexibility, but he’ll only go as far as letting the Israelite men go into the wilderness for their sacrifices, none of the women and children can go. And so, an east wind brings locusts.

        Again, Pharaoh makes like he’s about to cry “Uncle” and again he…well, you know.

Plague #9: Darkness

        For three days it is pitch black in Eqypt, but not in Goshen. Pharaoh tells Moses all the people can go, but they have to leave the livestock, which I guess were excluded from the Diseased Livestock Plague. Moses says no deal. Pharaoh warns Moses not to show his face around the palace anymore. Moses says “Fine with me!”

Chapter 11

Plague #10: But first, a Warning

        God tells Moses that the next one is going to be a real doozy, the one that finally does the trick. Not only will Pharaoh let the people go, but he will hand them their collective hats, give them an encouraging boot in the backside, and slam the door behind them. But before that happens, the Israelites should go door to door in the Egyptian neighborhoods, ask to be given all the objects of silver and gold, and expect it to be handed over no questions asked.

        Disregarding Pharaoh’s threat of grievous bodily harm, Moses shows up at the palace once more and delivers notice of the worst plague of them all. All firstborn in Egypt, from high to low, even including the livestock (there they are again, where did these cows and horses and Belgian Giant rabbits spring up from?) are doomed, Israelites excepted of course. Pharaoh’s heart has reached Moh’s ten by now, so he isn’t thinking straight at all, and he tells Moses to skedaddle.

Which brings us to Chapter 12 and The First Passover aka Plague #10

        God gives Moses instructions on how the Israelites are to mark their doorposts and lintels so when he descends upon Egypt to kill all the firstborn he will know which houses to skip. There’s more about unleavened bread and how to cook a lamb and instructions not to leave leftovers.

        God also tells Moses that the day when he kills all the Egyptian firstborn will be a day of remembrance that shall be celebrated “throughout your generations…as a perpetual ordinance.” Instructions are given regarding unleavened bread and a day of rest.

        Good as his word, at midnight “the Lord struck down all the firstborn in the land of Egypt” and finally, finally, Pharaoh summons Moses and says,

“Rise up, go away from my people, both you and the Israelities
! Go, worship the Lord, as you said. Take your flocks and your herds, as you said, and be gone. And bring a blessing on me too!”

        Not sure where he gets off asking for a blessing, but I suppose since God was responsible for the hard heart that facilitated all this death and destruction, he felt he was due some compensation.

        The Israelites bundle up their unleavened dough, the silver and gold (and fine fabrics, by the way) they had swindled the Egyptian people out of, and they take to the road. It must have been a sight, because the Bible tells us there were “about six hundred thousand men on foot, besides children.” How many women? It doesn’t say.

        God gives out more instructions regarding how the Passover celebration is to be administered, mostly to make sure there are no foreskins present at the festivities. And the whole episode is wrapped up in verse 51…

That very day the Lord brought the Israelites out of the land of Egypt, company by company.

We will pick things up with Chapter 13 in our next installment. Get ready for more unleavened bread, pillars of cloud and fire, and one of Hollywood’s great special effects, the Parting of the Red Sea.

*I thought that a nice picture of some calla lilies would perhaps help take the sting out of all these plagues.

**”Aaron’s Miraculous Rod” is a subtitle contained within Chapter 7. Honest.