Deuteronomy

 

In One Swell Foop

I'm back. It felt wrong to abandon this project. Well, not wrong exactly, because what's the point of a blog that doesn't get read and/or doesn't get folks talking. but wrong in the sense that, if nothing else, doing this blog serves as both an incentive to complete and a way to record my goal of reading the entire Bible, cover to cover. It's not easy to reconcile myself to the fact that I may never get past an audience of one (plus a lurker or two.) But reconcile I will.

    One difference as I get back to my project is summed up in the title of this installment. I am going to try even harder to condense, and whenever possible to actually sum up each of the remaining 62 books in one installment instead of the bazillions I took to get through the first four books. If that isn't possible, it isn't possible, but I'm gonna give it a good try. That means I'm going to be super selective in what I present here and if I actually do get any readers here and they crave more info, well, they're gonna have to crack open the Good Book themselves.

    And now, without further ado, let's have us some Deuteronomy.

    First off, the name. Quick, without Googling, who knows why it is called Deuteronomy? And no, it has nothing to do with the old feline in the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical everyone loves to hate. The word translates to something like "The Laws Repeated." And that's what it is, old material trotted out for a repeat viewing. Kinda makes a person wonder if Moses was being paid by the word. Anyway, along with the laws we get a retelling of "Our Story Up Until Now" and a rehashing of "What Will Happen to You If You Screw Up." If you want the particulars you know where to go, either the earlier installments covering Exodus, Leviticus and Numbers here or the dusty family Bible sitting in the cedar chest at the foot of your ancestral bed.

    Let's get on with what's in Deuteronomy. Today I'm trying bullet points. No guarantee that will be a consistent approach for subsequent books.

• Moses appoints tribal leaders.
• Moses reminds everyone why God made them wander for 40 years.
• Mostly so everyone who pissed him off by not hustling straight into the Land of Milk and Honey in spite of the natives being big and mean looking would be dead by the time the group came back to the border.
• Moses recounts the big military victories they enjoyed over King Sidon and King Og, with an emphasis on the fact that they killed everyone, women and children included.
• The people are reminded (for the umpteenth time) they had darned well better do everything God says.
• In Chapter 5 we get the Ten Commandments again. The wording is just a bit different in places from the version in Exodus but the gist of each of them is the same.
• Chapter 6 brings us The Great Commandment, which is one of those gems that has enjoyed a whole lot more exposure than the "Kill everyone" or "Take 'em out and stone 'em" portions.
  
• 4) Hear, O Israel: The Lord is our God, the Lord alone. 5) You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might.
• Because if you don't, you're toast*
• *editorial note
• Chapter 7 gives us the reminder that the reason God told the Israelites to kill all of the Hittites and Gergashites, etc, is because they weren't the Chosen People. So that clears that up, in case anyone had any misgivings about that whole slaughtering whole towns thing.
• Those who are doing well financially are warned in Chapter 8 not to skimp on the tithing and commandment keeping.
• Chapters 9-11 give us more about the importance of obeying God's Rules.
• Chapter 12 is about places of worship. Destroy other peoples' churches and act properly in your own.
• No idols or false prophets, please.
• A review of what a sabbatical year is all about is in Chapter 15.
• We also get some verses that likely were used against the Jewish people later to stereotype them as money lenders who deal unfairly with those of a different faith.
• Ah, and a bit I don't recall from earlier about how one should treat a slave who is eligible for freedom but chooses to stay on as the family retainer.
• 17) then you shall take an awl and thrust it through his earlobe into the door, and he shall be your slave forever. You shall do the same with regard to your female slave.
• I think we can agree that is a quaint custom just waiting to be revived.
• Chapter 16 reviews Passover, The Festival of Weeks and The Festival of Booths
• In Chapter 17 we get a variety pack.
• A review of what is and isn't acceptable in a sacrifice. 
• A caution against defying priests or judges. Because if you do you're gonna die.
• An okay to elect a king, as long as the king remembers not to assume any airs.
• 20) neither exalting himself above other members of the community nor turning aside from the commandment
• Another mixed bag in Chapter 18.
• Privileges to be accorded to priests (Levites)
• Don't sacrifice children and don't mess around with soothsayers and such.
• You're gonna get a new, shiny prophet to replace Moses.
• Those cities where folks who have committed homicide can go gets a review in Chapter 19
• As does a warning not to mess with other folks' property lines
• And some instructions about how many witnesses are necessary to convict someone.
• There is some space given in Chapter 20 to make clear exactly when it's okay to kill just the men in a city you've conquered and when you really ought to kill everyone.
• Chapter 21, verses 1-9 should be required reading for every modern murder mystery writer. Who knew it was possible to solve a crime by breaking the neck of an otherwise unoffending heifer?
• Oh, and we also get instructions on how to proceed when a hot young woman happens to be a part of the spoils of war. It's really quite enlightened. For its time. I guess.
• Everyone should keep in mind that if the first born in a family is from one of the wives the daddy isn't that crazy about he's still firstborn and shouldn't be cheated out of his birthright just because Dad thinks one or more of the other Mommys in the household is sweeter.
• Rebellious children should be stoned.
• Don't leave a criminal who has been hanged hanging around past sunset. It's bad form.
• Next we get "Miscellaneous Laws". I have chosen a few.
• 4) You shall not see your neighbor's donkey or ox fallen on the road and ignore it; you shall help to lift it up.
• 11) You shall not wear clothes made of wool and linen together.
• 12) You shall make tassels on the four corners of the cloak with which you cover yourself.
• Please take a moment to check your closet to make sure all of your cloaks are in compliance.
• Lots and lots of "Suppose a" situations relating to sex are covered in verses 13-30. Here's the last one.
• 30) A man shall not marry his father's wife, thereby violating his father's rights.
• Some really good info in Chapter 23. Here are my top three.
• 1) No one whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off shall be admitted to the assembly of the Lord.
• 12) You shall have a designated area outside the camp to which you shall go (potty)
• 24) If you go into your neighbor's vineyard, you may eat your fill of grapes, as many as you wish, but you shall not put any in a container.
• More miscellaneous laws are in Chapter 24. They cover things like divorce, leprosy prevention and leaving some of the harvest behind for those less fortunate.
• This are my favorite verses in Chapter 25
• 4) You shall not muzzle an ox while it is treading out the grain.
• I didn't know that. Did you know that?
• 9) Then his brother's wife shall go up to him in the presence of the elders, pull his sandal off his foot, spit in his face, and declare, "This is what is done to the man who does not build up his brother's house." 10) Throughout Israel his family shall be known as "the house of him whose sandal was pulled off."
• More about harvests and tithing in Chapter 26
• In Chapter 27 Moses announces that all of these laws and fun anecdotes and and "Supposing a" scenarios are going to be etched in stone,
• We also get the ever popular Twelve Curses. Here is one of 'em.
• 23) "Cursed be anyone who lies with his mother-in-law." All the people shall say "Amen!"
• More about the good stuff that happens when you obey and the lousy stuff that happens when you don't is what's in Chapter 28. The disobedience section is way longer.
• Covenant renewed is covered in Chapter 29.
• God gives his promise to keep his part of the deal in Chapter 30.
• 5) The Lord your God will bring you into the land that your ancestors possessed, and you will possess it; he will make you more prosperous and numerous than your ancestors.
• There is that whole Prosperity Religion horse hockey popping up again.
• It seems a bit of a shame that Joshua being declared the Next Prophet doesn't get a chapter all to himself, but he shares Chapter 31 with a reminder to read all these laws every seven years, which I guess makes sense since that will be one of his responsibilities.
• Getting ready to wrap things up here.
• In Chapter 32 Moses sings a song all about all sorts of things. Honestly, I had trouble getting through it, but all in all the tone was kinda violent and if there was a tune to be found I couldn't locate it.
• Then God tells Moses where to go to die.
• 50) you shall die there on the mountain that you ascend  (Mount Nebo) and shall be gathered to your kin.
• Moses gives the Twelve Tribes each their individual blessing in Chapter 33. Example" 
• 8) And of Levi he said: Give Levi your Thummin and your Urim to your loyal one.
• I have no idea what a Thummin or a Urim might be.
• Moses dies and gets buried in the last chapter (34).
• 6) He was buried in a valley in the land of Moab, opposite Beth-peor, but no one knows his burial place to this day.
• Not sure what "this day" is, but, well, whatever.
• And lastly, we're reminded that Moses was a One-of-a-Kind-His-Like-Never-To-Be-Seen-Again sort of prophet.
• 10) Never since has there arisen a prophet in Israel like Moses, whom the Lord knew face to face.
• These last two bits I find really interesting since Moses is generally accepted to be the author of the first five books of the Old Testament, of which Deuteronomy is numero five. I think it's fair to say he delegated that last chapter to whoever he designated as his official biographer.

    There you go. Next up, the book of Joshua. I'm curious to find out if he's the one who "fit the battle of Jericho" and if so, whether anyone in the town survives.

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Wrapping Up Numbers

 

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Counting Down Numbers

    I said we were going to finish Numbers before I put this little experiment to bed, and by golly that's what we're going to do. Hold onto your hats, because we're gonna fly.

    The last sixteen chapters of this book have a fair amount of action (meaning killing) in them. Lots of land gets conquered, lots of peoples are tossed unceremoniously out of their homes and then killed or taken hostage, so let's get down to the fun.

    In Chapter 21 the Israelites, who I guess we should just call Israel since that's what they're called in the New Revised Standard Version, beat up on the Canaanites with some help from God. But then they start to complain about their rations again so God sends a bunch of deadly snakes to bite them, which doesn't improve their morale at all. Moses asks God not to do this and God says Moses should make a brass snake, put it on a pole, and the people who died or are in the process of dying from the snakebites can look at the brass snake and feel all better.

    There's a lesson here, but I've no idea what it is.

    There is some singing and then Israel conquers the Amorites and King Og of Sashan.

    Chapter 22 introduces us to Balak son of Zippor. He seems to be part of one of the tribes being hunted by Israel. He calls on some seer or local prophet or whatnot name of Balaam to curse Israel. Balaam consults with God, who tells him not to do it. Balaam tells Balak he'd rather not piss off God but Balak invites him to come visit so maybe they can find common ground, and while Balaam is riding his donkey to see Balak an angel with a sword shows up on the path they are on and even though Balaam doesn't see the angel the donkey does and he takes some nifty evasive measures which irritate Balaam. God explains what's going on and Balaam understands and apologizes to his donkey. I rather liked reading this part because in the writings of P.G. Wodehouse his character Bertie Wooster refers to Balaam's ass pretty regularly and now I have a little bit better idea of what that reference is about. This sort of thing is a major motivation for this Bible Reading project of mine.

    Where were we? That's right. Balaam won't curse Israel.

    Chapter 23  has two oracles of Balaam's, provided courtesy of seven special made altars and fourteen slaughtered animals. He still declines to curse Israel.

    Two more Balaamic Oracles in Chapter 24. Still no curse.

    Unless...I may have missed something in Chapter 24, but apparently in Chapter 25 Balaam has persuaded the women of Moab to have sex with the men of Israel, and God's not having it. Eleazar's son Phineas, anxious to prove himself worthy of his inherited priesthood status, charges into a tent where a couple of newlyweds that happen to be of Israel and Midian extraction are staying, and skewers them. This makes God happy and the plague he had started gets cancelled, but not before 24,000 have passed.

    Chapter 26 brings us another census, which is how we started this whole book of Numbers, so it's nice to see it again. And just like before, the only ones worthy of being counted are men over the age of twenty. Military age, in other words.

    

    In case you're wondering, after an interminable number of verses in which we learn way more about how many are each tribe than we really care about, the total is forthcoming: 601,730. Exactly.

    In Chapter 27 the daughters of the late Zelophahad ask Moses to make a special rule so they can inherit their father's land. They have no brothers, and wouldn't it be a shame if they were to miss out on a share of the land about to be taken away from the nasty Canaanites or Midianites or Calcifites or whoever. Moses says he's okay with it.

    Chapter 28 is, at least from what I could tell and remember, nothing but a rehash of how God likes his offerings.

    And since we all know how much God thinks about his offerings, it should come as no surprise that this rehashing of instructions spills over into Chapter 29.

    After the forward thinking way in which Moses handled the whole Daughters of Zelophahad situation, it was disappointing to find out in Chapter 30 that if a daughter or wife (and in this society what other roles could a female aspire to?) makes a vow and her dad or husband hears and doesn't think it's a good idea, he can nullify that vow. No such rule is mentioned concerning mothers or wives hearing their sons or husbands making ill-considered vows. This strikes me as most likely where the whole "Gotta have your husband's permission to have a credit card" nonsense came from.

    Chapter 31 is all about the enlightened approach Moses takes when it comes to dealing with conquered peoples, in this case it's the people of Midian, which just happens to be where his late wife Zipporah is from and where he himself spent some time when he thought he wasn't welcome in Egypt. Taking all that personal history and flushing it down the loo, when his soldiers come back from conquering Midian, killing all the kings (the place was lousy with royalty) and dispatching all the military aged men, Moses gives his generals a stern talking to for daring to bring mothers and young boys back as part of their booty. The only Midianites he wants to live are the young girls. What a dude.

    Just as the super successful conquering Israel army is getting ready to cross the Jordan, the leaders of Teams Reuben and Gad ask Moses if they can have some of the land that has already been conquered. They promise to help wipe out the inhabitants currently living across the Jordan just to help the other tribes. Moses says okay. This all happens in Chapter 32.

    My eyes were kind of glazing over by now, but it seems to me that Chapter 33 was pretty much nothing but "Our Story Up Until Now" or "In Case You Want To Draw a Line Tracing Israel's Path on Your Map of the Holy Land" guide.

    The boundaries of the Land o' Milk and Honey are spelled out in Chapter 34.

    Chapter 35 tells us there will be some cities set aside for the Levites and six cities designated as places where murderers can be safe. If you want the details you know where to look.

    We wrap up the Book of Numbers with a little bit of Reassertion of Patriarchal Power in Chapter 36. The tribal leaders, having heard about the way in which Moses caved to the requests of the Lovely Zelophahal Daughters, point out that it would be just awful if any women who inherit their father's land married outside of the tribe. After all, then the land would go to their husbands and the original tribe would be down a few acres and That's Just Not Right.

   Taking a firm stand, Moses says the women with land can marry anyone they want to, as long as it is a man from their tribe.

And that, I think, is a fitting way for us to end this blog. Women once again getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop. 

If this has inspired you to dive deeper, or even quite shallowly, into the Good Book, that's great. If I have something I just have to share as I continue to forge ahead with my own reading maybe I'll drop a short entry in here just for the heck of it. All with the understanding on my part that chances are nobody will read it.

Shalom!

*A lovely Black and White view of the Superstition Mountains

    

     

 

    

If a Blog Falls in the Interweb

 It's (Almost) Time

Well folks, we're over halfway through the fourth book of the Bible, coming up on thirty installments here, and it looks like the smart thing to do is to finish Numbers here and then move on to a more profitable use of my time. I will still be reading the Bible and taking my own notes, but producing this blog has turned out to be more time consuming than I had imagined and all of the evidence indicates ain't hardly anybody reading it and absolutely no one is interested enough to offer so much as a "Hey! What's the matter with you!"

    So my Bible reading project isn't going anywhere, I'm just going to do it the old-fashioned way and keep my thoughts in a nice notebook.

    Let's have fun with what's left of Numbers. I'll see you again soon.

Numbers Part 5

 

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Of Almonds, Tithes, Water

and

An Unblemished Red Heifer

We are approaching the halfway point of the Book of Numbers, and so far it seems that the whole reason it's called Numbers is well past us. Not that there haven't been plenty of numbers thrown around since, like the three families sent plummeting down to Sheol or the fourteen thousand seven hundred plague victims of God's most recent exercise in mass extermination, but the census business that gives the book its name kind of disappears after the first few chapters, which is fine. I mean, imagine thirty-six chapters of nothing but census figures. Page after neverending page of "Sidney, son of Armani of the House of Vanderbilt, Five wives of assorted demeanor, twelve children and seventeen blemished goats" sorts of entries.  I guess we should be grateful that Numbers sticks with the winning formula of its predecessors, giving us a higgledy piggledy, never staying on one subject sort of structure that has made these first books of the Bible such literary touchstones.

    Another reliable constant we can point to is the grumpy, dissatisfied nature of the average Wandering Israelite. It's always something with them, isn't it? Not enough food. Not enough water. Not enough quality time with God. Bored with manna. What's taking so long up on Mount Sinai? Why can't we have a nice golden calf to worship? And why aren't the people in Canaan wimpy little nerds we can scare off simply by wiggling our ears and saying "boo!"?

    These regular outbursts of mass dissatisfaction over this that and the other never sit well with God, and in Chapter 17 he gives a try at quieting the rumblings without resorting to his preferred method of threatening to kill everyone. If you will recall, recently there have been some rumblings about the elevated status enjoyed by Moses and the priests. The leaders of the Twelve Tribes are feeling left out and think it's time they had some quality one on one time with God. Unfortunately, this isn't God's style and he's not likely to change anytime soon, so in order to make things crystal clear to everyone about what is meant by a Top Down Management Style, he comes up with the Budding Rod Plan, or BuRP for short. I sure you've caught on by now that the word rod is a biblical synonym for staff, or what we would call a trekking pole. Amongst the Israelites anyone who is anyone has a staff/rod.

    The BuRP plan is as follows: Moses is to get the top dudes in each of the Twelve Tribes to bring their favorite staffs to the tabernacle. Moses will then place the staffs, along with Aaron's staff, next to the covenant and let them marinate overnight behind the holy curtains in the divine vibes and aura of the mercy seat and cherubim. Whoever's staff "sprouts" will be God's way of telling everyone who he has designated as the next in the chain of command. Owners of the non-sprouting staffs will then accept the fact that they will never be invited to play golf with the Chairman. What could be clearer or more fair? Nothing, that's what, and so says God...

5)thus will I put a stop to the complaints of the Israelites.

    Right.

    The staffs are placed by the covenant and left overnight. When Moses fetches them out the next day, surprise surprise! Aaron's is the only one to have sprouted evidence of God's favor. 

8)When Moses went into the tent of the covenant on the next day, the staff of Aaron for the house of Levi had sprouted. It put forth buds, produced blossoms, and bore ripe almonds.

    I don't know about you, but to me the blossoms and ripe almonds are a bit of overkill, but maybe God wanted to show he has a creative side and isn't only all about plagues and consuming with fire. Moses shows the Twelve Tribesmen the results, quite possibly handing out some nourishing almonds while doing so in order to try to take at least some of the sting out of their disappointment. God then tells Moses to put Aaron's nutty staff back behind the curtain and if any person or persons has a problem with how things turned out, he (God) will happily arrange for that person(s) to make a quick exit to Sheol. So much for his crafty-creative side.

    Surprisingly, this little demonstration does not have the effect God had in mind. Instead, we are told at the end of this brief chapter,

12)The Israelites said to Moses, "We are perishing, we are lost, all of us are lost! 13) Everyone who approaches the tabernacle of the Lord will die! Are we all to perish?"

    I'm not sure how the leap was made from being told they can't talk directly to God to everyone is going to die, but this just short of hysterical display from the men may be a side effect of a strict manna diet, especially when the priests are enjoying barbeque every day.  As for God's hopes he would "put a stop to the complaints" I guess he overestimated the capacity of the Israelites to always look on the bright side of life.

    Let's move on to Chapter 18, which is titled "The Responsibility of Priests and Levites" and is actually divided into a section spelling out who can be in what part of the tent of meeting and a section about how the priests and their Levite workforce are to be paid. It is not especially stimulating reading, but I'll at least try to give you the gist of the thing.

• The priests, meaning Aaron and Sons (I haven't seen any mention of anyone else being brought into this most exclusive of professions, even as apprentices or unpaid interns) have the okay to roam around the entire the tabernacle, including behind the curtain, by the altar and the outer courtyard where the after service coffee is gathering is held.
• The Average Levite is limited to the outer area and better not poke his nose inside the altar tent. Penalty? Guess.
• Anything brought to the tabernacle as a holy offering belongs to the priests and their families. Since we're talking about two million parishioners and what seems to be a ready supply of livestock, grain, and wine for offerings, Aaron and Sons' larder is guaranteed to be bulging at the seams.
• The Levites are to receive a tithe from the harvests** and general production of the rest of the Israelites. So lots of comestibles coming their way too. 
• Moses does tell them that the priests will be skimming a tithe from their tithe, taking the best of it. What a racket.

   

    Chapter 19 is called "Ceremony of the Red Heifer" and if you think we've gone way too long without talking about touching dead things and being unclean until evening, you will be happy to know we're going to remedy that right now.

    The Lord tells both Moses and Aaron that he wants a nice red heifer brought to the temple. No blemishes, of course, and it has to be young enough that it hasn't been fitted with a yoke yet. Once it is delivered, Aaron's son Eleazar is to take it outside of the camp and "in his presence" it is to be slaughtered. And then Eleazar is to hustle on back to the tabernacle with some of the heifer's blood so he can "sprinkle it seven times towards the front of the tent of meeting." After the sprinkling, he has to get himself back to where the dead heifer is located outside the camp so he can watch it being burned while he tosses some cedarwood, hyssop, and crimson material into the flames. It's all part of a recipe for making, well, we'll see.

    Once the heifer has been turned to a smoldering ash pile, both Eleazar and the fellow who did the actual building of the fire are to clean up. Oh, and the guy who comes to fetch the heifer ashes also has to give himself and his clothes a good wash afterward. If they all do this, by evening they will be good to present themselves in decent society. If they don't they will standing in the unemployment line the next morning.

    And now what is to be done with this combination of heifer, cedarwood, hyssop and crimson cloth ashes? The only thing that makes sense, of course! They are to be combined with water to make a spiritually purifying solution of great efficacy. This is called science.

    We then get a couple of pretty good sized paragraphs about what needs to happen when...

• a person touches the dead body of a human being
• a person is in a tent where someone dies
• an open vessel is in a tent where someone dies
• a person is in an open field and touches someone who has died by the sword
• or who has died naturally
• or finds and touches a human bone
• or a grave

    If any of those situations apply, there is a seven day schedule of washing with heifer water along with additional applications of hyssop and sprinkling that must be followed in order to shake the "unclean" label. These processes have stood the test of time and are still being practiced by nearly every...I'll have to get back to you on that. Google's AI just keeps blinking on and off.

    But speaking of water, Chapter 20 is all about the Waters of Meribah, which I think we've encountered before. Hold on, I'm going to do a search...

    ...I was right! Way back in Exodus, Chapter 17, Moses' merry troupe was throwing a little hissy fit about the lack of drinking water, so God told him to tap a rock with the same staff he parted the Red Sea with, and water came pouring out. And then Moses...

7)...called the place Massah and Meribah, because the Israelites quarreled and tested the Lord, saying, "Is the Lord among us or not?"

    Now here they are, back at the same place, having the same discussion about hydration challenges, and God tells Moses that the staff trick is still good. Or this is a repeat of the same story because Moses forgot he's already used it a couple of books ago. I don't know. Anyway, he asks God, God tells him to use his rod (staff, trekking pole, whatever), he whacks the rock, water comes out, and you'd think things would be better. But God is miffed that the people didn't keep their grumbles to themselves and smile and say "Things may seem bleak right now and yes, we don't have any water and that's usually a pretty quick way to expire in the desert, but you know what? God is on our side and you just gotta know he's got a nice surprise in store for us, so let's smile and make the best of things!"

    No, they whined until the rock made more water. Enough water for two million people and all their livestock. That's some special rock. And yes, I'm going to keep reminding us all of the vast number of people the Bible itself has told us are involved here, because sometimes things just don't add up.

    Be that as it may, a Real Life Lesson we can all take away from this is that when things are going bad, I mean really skidding downhill and everyone is about to die, it's not a good idea to tug on God's sleeve and ask him for a bit of help, because even if he does provide it he may very well turn around and make you sorry you bothered him. Just like he does in verse 12.

12) But the Lord said to Moses and Aaron. "Because you did not trust in me, to show my holiness before the eyes of the Israelites, therefore you shall not bring this assembly into the land that I have given them.

    Yep, because Moses and Aaron weren't able to keep the people in line without divine intervention, they're never stepping foot in the Land of Milk and Honey.

    That's harsh.

    Next up we have a bit about a place called Edom. It seems that in order for the Israelites to conveniently get from wherever they happen to be right now, which I guess is by the rock that spews water, to wherever they're going, which I have no idea because they do seem to be traveling in circles, they need to follow the King's Highway through Edom. Thinking that it is difficult to march a couple million men, women, children and their wagons, tabernacle accessories and livestock across a border without attracting the natives' attention, they ask the King of Edom if it's okay with him. He says no. That's pretty much what we're told here. They ask, he says no. Exciting story, eh?

    I guess Google maps came up with a reroute.

    And that reroute has them heading straight for Mount Hor. As they approach, God breaks it to Aaron that his services are no longer required and so would he kindly take his son Eleazar, climb up Mount Hor, and expire? Just Aaron, not Eleazar. The young fellow gets to keep his dad's vestments.

    Aaron climbs the mountain and dies. Everyone is sad for thirty days.

    Moses wonders how long until he gets the pink slip.

    Cliffhanger.

*A peaceful scene at Clear Lake in California

**This is your regular reminder that the concepts of wandering in the desert and raising crops are not compatible. But they do seem to coexist quite cozily here.

Numbers Part 4

 

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Why It Took Forty Years

I know I've wondered out loud here more than once about just why in the world it took the Moses and the Israelites forty years to make their way to the Land Of Milk And Honey, aka Canaan. Well, the next few chapters spell it out for us, kinda, so let's get to it.

    Apparently their camp in the wilderness of Paran is pretty close to the Milk and Honey border, so in Chapter 13 Moses summons a hardy member from each of the Twelve Tribes (no Levites, right?) and tells them he wants a scouting report before the entire group makes the big push into the land God has promised. He wants to know all about the valleys, the hills, the fields, the people, what the towns are like, you know, the lay of the land. He also wants some fruit samples brought back. Just to make the assignment seem exciting and sexy he tells them they are spies and that the fruit should be "stolen."

    In case you want to know their names, here is the Israelites answer to the Dirty Dozen. It's not going to be on a quiz or anything, but if you want to memorize them I guarantee you'll blow away everyone at a party where some guy thinks he can impress the gathering by reciting the names of the Seven Dwarfs** or the Fifteen Counties of Arizona***.

1. Team Reuben: Shammua
2. Team Simeon: Shapnat
3. Team Judah: Caleb
4. Team Issachar: Igal
5. Team Ephraim: Hoshea (Moses changes his name to Joshua. Just because)
6. Team Benjamin: Palti
7. Team Zebulun: Gaddiel
8. Team Joseph: Gaddi
9. Team Dan: Ammiel
10. Team Asher: Sethur
11. Team Naphtali: Nahbi
12. Team Gad: Geuel

    The boys cross the border when nobody's looking and spread out to gather the needed intel. A couple of them come across a vineyard where they snip a bunch of grapes off a vine. It must have been a hella big bunch of grapes, because they have to tie it to a pole and carry it between the two of them on their shoulders. Land of Milk, Honey and Mega Fruit indeed.

    Forty days later they return to camp with their report. The land is indeed one of plenty, but the people who live there are big and scary and all but two of the spies are of the opinion that it is too dangerous to try to boot the existing tenants out. They are all for turning around and heading back to Egypt. The only two who think they should go ahead with the plan are Caleb and Joshua (formerly Hoshea), who lobby unsuccessfully for forging ahead.

    The larger congregation gets wind of the report of big and scary people in Canaan and in Chapter 14 they decide the Go Back To Egypt Plan sounds good to them. This upsets Moses and Aaron so much that they fall on their faces in front of everyone. Really, that's what it says in verse 5. Caleb and Joshua try to help Moses by telling the rest of the Israelites that with God on their side it'll all be okay, that Yes They Can boot all the nasty, scary people out of Canaan, but the people tell them to shut their pie holes or they'll take them out and stone them to death. Really, that's what it says in verse 10.

    God gets wind of what's going on and so he comes down and says he's done with all this disobedience and appalling lack of faith and by golly he's going to kill everyone and just start over. By now I think we can call this God's version of "Do you want me to stop this car? Because if it doesn't settle down back there I'm stopping the car. I mean it." Once again, Moses talks him down, telling him that wiping out the people God led out of Egypt wouldn't be good for his reputation. I mean, be real, what would the Egyptians think? He would be a laughing stock is what would happen. So God relents, kind of, by saying that he won't kill everybody, but he'll be good and gosh darned if the adults of the troupe are ever going to live to see the Land of Milk and Honey. And this is where I'm starting to get some clarity about why it's going to take forty years. God's going to make them wander around the edges of Canaan until the original cast members all croak, and then their descendents can take the land.

    But in the meantime, not being a big fan of delayed gratification, God does still want to smite at least a few of them. He does this in two steps. First, he sends a plague down on the ten spies who messed up his plan. I'm not sure how one arranges such a specifically targeted plague, but since he is All Knowing, maybe he knew they were going to be difficult beforehand and while they were playing at being secret agents he guided them in the path of acquiring some Canaanite STDs during their forty days in amongst the heathens. In my five minutes of research trying to figure out why God has such a poor opinion of those people it does seem that they are reported to have been a society of, shall we say, swingers. 

The amateur spies may have seen too many Bond movies and behaved accordingly.

    The general population Israelites, seeing how things are going and not wanting any more generalized plagues heading their way, put down their "Heck No! We Won't Go!" signs and banners and decide the best way to get back on God's good side is by marching into Canaan like they had agreed to way back when. But since he is still peeved at them, God doesn't go along to be their co-pilot, as it were, and it turns into a bit of an OT Bay of Pigs. 

45) Then the Amalekites and the Canaanites who lived in that hill country came down and defeated them, pursuing them as far as Hormah.

    No, I do not know where Hormah is, but it doesn't sound like an all-inclusive resort.

    Just as the whole Will They Invade or Won't They Invade story is getting really interesting, Chapter 15 takes us off on another tangent with what seems to me to be yet another repeat of God's instructions about how he likes his sacrifices. There isn't anything in the thirty-one verses about this that is new as far as I can tell, so we'll just move on to the other two topics in the chapter. If you've become a sacrifices aficionado you're welcome to take the deep dive. 

    First, we are treated to the story of the man who goes out to gather sticks on the sabbath. This is during the Israelites' wandering in the wilderness days. Some of his fellow wanderers get wind of his activities so they grab him by the scruff of the robe and haul him off to stand in front of Moses to explain himself. Moses, of course, consults with God about how to handle the miscreant and God, of course, tells Moses that stick gathering on the sabbath merits death by stoning. The congregation complies with some gusto. Nothing like a good stoning to bring a community together.

    The last bit in this chapter has to do with God telling Moses that he wants everyone to wear fringe and a blue cord all the time. This is because he thinks it will remind the people not to misbehave. Kind of like a string around your wrist is supposed to help you remember something. I guess. My experience with people favoring fringe has been variable.

    Now back to some larger scale infractions, this time involving three gents by the name of Korah, Dathan, and Abiram, all of which set off the spellcheck. It's pretty serious stuff, so if the Baby Name Consultant**** you're working with suggests any of those names I think it would be wise to request more choices. I know some folks like to name their kids after characters in the Bible and these three did get their names in the title of Chapter 16, but not for a good reason, as you will see.

Revolt of Korah, Dathan, and Abiram

    So what are they revolting against you may ask? Well, they're members of Team Levite, you know, the ones who work in the tabernacle. They're not Aaron's immediate kin so they're not priests, but still, they've got what I think most of the Israelites probably considered to be some of the more prestigious jobs to be had. But that's not good enough for Korah, Dathan, and Abiram and the two hundred and fifty fellow Levites they convince to come along with them. They're unhappy about the fact that God talks with Moses, and sort of talks with Aaron and Sons, and they think it has given those four an unappealing sort of outsized opinion of themselves. When they tell Moses this he does what the men of the time do when confronted with astonishing news: he falls on his face. Really, it's in verse 4.

4)When Moses heard it, he fell on his face.

    See?

    After he stands back up and wipes the desert dust from his eyebrows Moses tries to explain why things are the way they are and how some people are destined to be management and others worker bees, but the three ringleaders and their two hundred and fifty fellow grumblers don't understand, so they get their incense burners and gather in front of the tabernacle to stage a rally.

    God sees what's going on and he tells Moses and Aaron and Sons to back off, he's got this. He waits until Korah, Dathan, and Abiram have gone back to their tents, tells everyone else to give him some room, waits for the three ringleaders to obligingly step out of their tents with their entire families, and opens up the ground beneath their feet so they can...

go down alive into Sheol*****

    Yep, the ringleaders, their families and all their household goods get the old trap door treatment. And right after that, in verse 35...

35)And fire came out from the Lords and consumed the two hundred fifty men offering the incense

    It's like they hadn't gotten the memo about what happened to Aaron's sons Nadab and Abihu and their experiences with ill-timed incense burning.

    As if things weren't bad enough, just about everyone else gets their drawers in a bunch about what has just happened to Korah and Company they start yelling at Moses and Aaron. Like it's their fault. Yet again God feels he needs to step in to calm things down and his go-to method for that is to kill everybody; a plan he sets in motion with another plague. If it wasn't for the fact that Aaron does some quick running into the midst of the congregation with his own special incense formulation that acts as a sort of vaccine against Divinely Inspired Plagues, God's intention to end the whole Israelite Experiment would have come to a successful conclusion. As it is, only 14,700 dead. Plus, of course, the two hundred fifty and the three unfortunate households. But still, considering they've still got two million people who escaped the smiting, I think that is what we call an Old Testament Happy Ending. 

*We had a nice sunrise yesterday. It was ninety-three degrees at 5:45 AM, but the sky was pretty.

**Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, and Methuselah

• ***Apache, Cochise, Coconino, Gila, Graham, Greenlee, LaPaz, Maricopa, Mohave, Navajo, Pima, Pinal, Santa Cruz, Yavapai, Yuma

****There is at least one such consultant out there charging $295 for a five minute session. I'm thinking blogging about the Bible maybe wasn't my most lucrative late in life career choice.

*****I looked it up, and Sheol is the place of darkness where dead people go awaiting their judgment, or some sort of thing like that. The Hebrew faith doesn't seem to have quite the same sort of concept of Heaven and Hell as a lot of us might understand it, but perhaps Sheol could be described as having some of the features of both Hell and Purgatory. References to it in the OT are usually rather brief and sketchy, but it doesn't sound like a happy place to be sent to all of a sudden, even if you are with your wife and kids. Or maybe especially if you are with your wife and kids.